Monday, April 7, 2008

Party Foul

This Week's Lesson: Do Unto Others As You'd Like 'Em To Do Unto You

I went to a party the other night to celebrate the collective birthdays of a couple of Rams in a joint fete. I didn't know more than a handful of people there, and that was a good thing. I'm trying to get out of my social circle (which is harder than it sounds) to meet new people.
I put on my party hat, which in this case was a metal Viking helmet with large horns protruding out the side. Seemed appropriate, for the Ramma Jamma celebration.
I met some fabulously interesting guys. The new photographer for the paper, with a thick drawl and a passion for grocery store candy machine figurines. He's kind of touchy feely. I like that. The fantastically adorable forest service employee who offered me a personal tour of the smoke jumping school (I smell heat!). And then there's the bleached blonde, totally cool homeboy who, like me, stays up way too late manically creating stuff. He and I talked for hours. I like talking.
The smoke jumper ate a burger while we were talking, and I thought I spied a bit of barbecue sauce on the side of his nose. But I wasn't sure, know what I mean? What if it was a booger. Or worse, part of his face. You don't want to try to wipe off someone's birthmark. So I tried not to look at it, and felt kinda bad because if it were me, I'd want someone to tell me, "Hey, you got some crap on your face." But no, I didn't want to embarass him, so I just tried to be attentive and look directly into his eyes and not at his nose.
Don't look at his nose.
Don't. Look. At his nose.

Finally, thankfully, he got involved in a conversation with someone else.
That's when I started talking to the blonde boy. And it seemed like we talked for hours. He was just fascinating to me.
Eventually, I had to go to the bathroom. I was so proud of myself for getting out of my normal group of friends and meeting new and interesting people, that I sassily said to my reflection in the mirror, "You go, girl!" and gave myself a big ol' smile.
I didn't eat any of the hamburger, so I'm pretty sure it was bits of brownie in my teeth.
Yeah, you go girl.

By the way, the guy in this photo, courtesy of Getty Images, isn't nearly as cute as the boy who had barbecue sauce on his face. But it had to do.

Blown Away

Ladies, follow these handy tips on how to create an internet dating profile that'll catch some attention!

What's a Dater Hater to do on a Friday night? I was at a local watering hole with some galfriends, and bumped into an acquaintance of the XY persuasion that I'd seen on Yahoo! Personals.
I asked him why men are so rude and disrespectful that they don't bother responding to friendly inquiries from women on internet dating sites.
He told me maybe I should work on my profile.
I have a great profile. Well, I thought I had a great profile. I mention that I'm outgoing, funny, a little bit wild, but also the most dependable person you've probably ever met. I mention that I'm into music and movies, scrabble night and frisbee in the park, pint night at the pub and bicycling along the river. I also mention that I have a masters degree in kissing.
For those of you who know me, do I have myself pegged accurately? I can take it if you disagree. Afterall, my goal this April is to learn how to be flatly rejected over and over again.

He said, "Did you screw up your photo then? You're totally cute, great hair, nice smile, nice eyes. Did you post an unflattering picture?"
"No, I'm totally cute in my photo!"
"But does it show off how fantastic your tits are?"

Um, no.

"You know what would get you some attention?"

I'm all ears.

Remember, I don't make any of this up.

"You should say you love giving blowjobs."

Thanks to Getty Images for the photo that just doesn't do this blog entry much justice. But I'll take what I can get.